Here’s The Whole Story!
Hi, my name is Luigi Mangione. I’m a super genius tech bro guy from one of the wealthiest families in America, who own nursing home facilities. I have had every privilege life could possibly offer me, attended a $40k/year high school, then TWO Ivy Leagues, and I travel extensively. Apparently I hurt my back so badly that it caused me to have a complete psychotic break (bc no sex!) and become a communist, even though I could afford the best doctors and best care without worrying about out of pocket costs. I suddenly disappeared from friends and family for six months, so my Mom filed a missing person report last month in San Francisco hoping to track down my whereabouts.1
I spent these six months off the grid, exploring the depths of my pain and rage. Except, I lived in a rich people, penthouse surf community in Honolulu, where I surfed regularly in spite of my debilitating back injury that drove me insane. In fact, my roommate RJ Martin, is available for interviews and to confirm that while I did participate in many sports and physical activity with very high risk (like surfing), there were weeks there where I was totally bedridden. Because that is how severe spinal injuries work. Funny story, RJ is actually the one who first referred me to Ted Kaczynski’s work, because we were in a book club together. RJ suggested I read the Unabomber’s book, Industrial Society and Its Future, and put it in the book club rotation! I owe him so much for opening my eyes.234
Anyway, during those bedridden bits, I really honed in on United Healthcare as the source of all my problems. Eventually, I decided that specifically Brian Thompson needed to be unalived. I reasoned that it would be for the good of America, to shed light on how horrific our healthcare and insurance system is (even though I personally had no issues with it because I am filthy rich). I painstakingly planned every aspect of ending Thompson, including somehow obtaining a gun and silencer without serial numbers (maybe I 3D printed them both!), that I trained in firing so I’d be prepared for anything (like if the silencer made it so I had to manually clear the chamber before firing again). To avoid having to show my ID or use a credit card with an airline, I paid cash for a Greyhound bus ticket to New York City. After arriving in NYC at Port Authority, I checked into a hostel on the Upper West Side using one of four fake IDs I had obtained for this very purpose. I stayed in town for 10 whole days, during which I planned my entire exit strategy. During these 10 days I paid for everything with cash, never using a credit card, so that I would be untraceable.5
The morning of November 30, I calmly executed Thompson in public, at dawn (6:44am) using very special bullets that I had meticulously carved the words DEPOSE, DENY, DEFEND on with a tiny little drill the night before. I made sure to load those 3 bullets in the correct order so that a normal, un-etched bullet would not be fired. I also made sure to fire exactly three times, so those bullets could be found. Jeez, it would’ve been an absolute DISASTER if I only fired once and the only bullet they recovered was DEPOSE. Anyway, then I disappeared like a ninja on a Citibike into Central Park from lower Manhattan, where I dropped off my bag of Monopoly money on a pile of leaves—which went unwitnessed in spite of it being broad daylight in Central Park by this time—before taking a taxi to Port Authority and ultimately escaping by bus to Pennsylvania for some odd reason, even though I should’ve been able to get much further by now and staying too long in any one area, especially one where I have ties and could be recognized, seems pretty dumb after all the effort I put in to this point. 67
Alas, I just LOVE Pennsylvania so much, specifically this really beautiful town called Altoona. They have this great McDonald’s there that has the most fire hash browns—I don’t know how they do it, if their frying oil is different or they pack more potato into them or what but, WOW the hash browns at the Altoona location are unparalleled. You can understand why I’d just stay in this area, showing face, going inside the McDonald’s to sit down and eat at the booth so I can really enjoy the hash browns. They also have a solid wi-fi signal, so it’s ideal all around because I can use my laptop to send off geo location signals while I eat. Just to be safe, I kept all of the evidence that ties me to shooting and killing Ben Thompson on my person. I thought it made the most sense to ditch the bag of monopoly money and keep the bag of the clothes I wore, along with the ghost gun and silencer, my four fake IDs, and thousands of dollars in cash in American and foreign currency.
You may be wondering, why the foreign currency, Luigi? It’s not like you can leave the country without showing an ID or using a credit card, so how would foreign currency be useful to you? Well, it wasn’t, as I hadn’t used any of it, because I just stayed in Pennsylvania where you can use American money. The foreign currency was extremely helpful to the police, though, because it is evidence of my intent to flee the country and a solid reason to deny me bail. In retrospect, I really should not have kept the same ID I used at the hostel in NYC, or the outfit I was captured wearing on video which was posted all over the world as a national manhunt for me was underway, or the gun, or the silencer. But hey, hindsight is 20/20, am I right? At the time, it just made sense to me to keep them all on me at all times, next to my handwritten manifesto.89
It’s true, perhaps typing the manifesto would’ve been more professional, but I find there is a sort of je ne sais quoi that hand-writing brings to a manifesto. It takes more effort, while providing a very effortless, unhinged, I just wrote this off the top of my head, disturbed genius vibe. We Italians have a word for this, it’s sprezzatura. I am a master of sprezzatura! No one has ever assassinated someone with this kind of sprezzatura, I can tell you that. Such effort, while appearing so nonchalant.
Even though I could tell that entire group of McDonald’s employees were looking at me and whispering to each other, I stuck around long enough for that stupid old man to narc on me and for the police to arrive. As I said, the hash browns are just phenomenal at the Altoona location. Man, did I feel dumb when I saw those police lights and remembered I was carrying the bag with my manifesto and all the evidence.10 11Total blonde moment! But hey, fair is fair, they got me, so I just let them take me in without any resistance. At first, they let me take a mugshot in my regular clothes. That one came out incredible, I must say. I look a bit angrier in the second and third mugshots they took, but I think my eyebrows are on fleek in every single one.
For shits and giggles, when I arrived to be arraigned at the court house, I decided to yell to the press that my arrest and the official narrative being put out “is completely out of touch and an insult to the intelligence of the American people and their lived experience!” 12At the hearing to determine if I would be denied bail or not, prosecutors brought up that I had foreign currency and four fake IDs on me as evidence of me being a flight risk. They also had all this information about the bag that the fake IDs, the cash, the ghost gun, the ghost silencer, and my manifesto were in that I didn’t even know! Apparently, the bag is something called a “faraday” bag, which means it blocks electromagnetic signals. That is so cool, I just thought it was waterproof when I got it, which I told the judge.13
When the judge asked if I had any health conditions that the Court should know about, I said no. Obviously, I’m not going to tell them I had a psychotic break because of my horrific back injury that stopped me from being able to enjoy life or have sex. For a second, I did think about disclosing my life altering back injury that supposedly kept me bedridden for weeks at a time sometimes. I thought, maybe that would be good to have on record in case anything happens to me in custody, or so that the guards would be on notice that I have a severe pre-existing back injury. But then I remembered that the debilitating nature of the injury comes and goes, often not bothering me at all for long periods of time, like when I would surf and workout in Honolulu. It seemed like I was solidly in one of those awesome good zones where not even sleeping on prison cot would be a problem, since I’d been able to carry out every part of the plan to this point without aggravating my back. As such, I decided against telling the Court that I had any physical or mental health conditions.
I’m just going to chill here in jail while I wait to be extradited to New York City, I’m sure nothing weird will happen to me while I’m in custody. It only makes sense that I will make it all the way to trial and get convicted, because there are zero holes in this story. It’s a pretty open and shut case, I mean just read my manifesto. 14My biggest fear is that I will not be able to regularly trim my unibrow in prison, as it gets pretty unruly after just one day of not dermaplaning it. I hope that everything I’ve done has really made a positive impact on the American healthcare system, surely United Healthcare will reform itself and get rid of that evil AI with the 90% denial rate now! You are all welcome!
Oh, I forgot, I just want to re-iterate that I do not blame the Feds at all for anything that has happened to me. They are good guys doing their best at a tough job, and you have to respect that about them. I totally deserve the consequences of my highly sophisticated yet simultaneously wildly dumb actions, which is why I made the very first line of my handwritten manifesto: “To the Feds, I’ll keep this short, because I do respect what you do for our country.” It’s important to let them know right off the bat that you respect them, and don’t blame them for doing their job. You want to make it easy for them, you know? Which is why the second sentence of my handwritten manifesto that I had on my person at McDonald’s says “To save you a lengthy investigation, I state plainly that I wasn’t working with anyone.” You see, when you’re as smart and simultaneously dumb as I am, it’s important to state plainly that you weren’t working with anyone so that there’s no need for anyone to explore that possibility further.15
Hope that was helpful to everyone who keeps saying “none of this makes any sense!” I really want to help make it make sense for everyone, so let me know if you have any further questions about any glaring inconsistencies.
Sincerely,
LUIGI MANGIONE (Definitely not anyone else and certainly not a Federal Agent!)
P.S. I am also a closeted homosexual, which has been really rough for me, being that I was raised in an Italian, Roman Catholic family. This no doubt contributed to my self-destruction, because of all the pent up gay inside me. You know how we closeted homosexuals feel about sex, so, combined with the back injury that left me unable to bang men in secret, you can see why I unraveled so quickly. 16
Hi, I’m Luigi Mangione – by Lauren Davidson-Ibarra
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